So...

This is driving me crazy. So, if you're reading this, you know how lonely I am. You know how I've been feeling lately. And you know how crazy it's made me. So, I'm feeling very courageous (maybe it IS the "there's no further I can drop" effect). Aaaand, there's a girl I really like. A lot. So the logical thing would be to tell her. Did I mention she's feeling about the same as I am? We've become pretty close friends via sharing our various life problems.

So why am I writing this and not telling her? Because I'm afraid. Every close friend I've had I've driven away lately. Females even more so. I've done it wrong so many times, I'm sure I'll mess it up this time too. And I'm not sure how to go about it. There are a lot of factors influencing this. I could do my usual thing, and write a letter professing my undying love...or I could just say "hey, wanna grab a bite to eat sometime?" So which do I do? Let me list the pros/cons.

Letter of undying love:
Pros: She said, and I semiquote, "if someone said that to me I'd have a hard time saying no."
Cons: the last person I wrote something like this to said I had scared her to death. Probably not a good thing.

Old fashioned way:
Pros: she lives close, we could go do something fairly easily. This is quite new to me.
Cons: nazi parents. I believe she's not allowed out unless she's going to a school function, so we're limited to...after school.

So...there's the dilemma. I'm not sure what to do. And if I'm wrong, I could fuck a lot of stuff up. This is the last close friend I really have, it seems. The last person who hasn't gotten tired of my shit and started ignoring me when I got angsty. I lose her, I've lost everyone. I don't know how I'd survive, but I'm sure things would get too awkward for me to share how I feel any more.

I've dipped low on the emotional scale lately. You know you've nearly hit bottom when you're sitting there at 2 am, with a razor blade in you hand, thinking "it WOULD mean I don't have to worry about this shit any more." Yeah, I know, don't tell me not to kill myself, I'm not going to. But I HAVE thought about it in recent weeks. And it's not a fun thing. If this goes right, it has the chance to go VERY right. But if it goes wrong, I'll be devastated. My self esteem will drop to nothing, I'll become unbearable to be around. Which will only make me even more depressed.

So, should I go for it? I need some sort of feedback, or something.