So...

This is driving me crazy. So, if you're reading this, you know how lonely I am. You know how I've been feeling lately. And you know how crazy it's made me. So, I'm feeling very courageous (maybe it IS the "there's no further I can drop" effect). Aaaand, there's a girl I really like. A lot. So the logical thing would be to tell her. Did I mention she's feeling about the same as I am? We've become pretty close friends via sharing our various life problems.

So why am I writing this and not telling her? Because I'm afraid. Every close friend I've had I've driven away lately. Females even more so. I've done it wrong so many times, I'm sure I'll mess it up this time too. And I'm not sure how to go about it. There are a lot of factors influencing this. I could do my usual thing, and write a letter professing my undying love...or I could just say "hey, wanna grab a bite to eat sometime?" So which do I do? Let me list the pros/cons.

Letter of undying love:
Pros: She said, and I semiquote, "if someone said that to me I'd have a hard time saying no."
Cons: the last person I wrote something like this to said I had scared her to death. Probably not a good thing.

Old fashioned way:
Pros: she lives close, we could go do something fairly easily. This is quite new to me.
Cons: nazi parents. I believe she's not allowed out unless she's going to a school function, so we're limited to...after school.

So...there's the dilemma. I'm not sure what to do. And if I'm wrong, I could fuck a lot of stuff up. This is the last close friend I really have, it seems. The last person who hasn't gotten tired of my shit and started ignoring me when I got angsty. I lose her, I've lost everyone. I don't know how I'd survive, but I'm sure things would get too awkward for me to share how I feel any more.

I've dipped low on the emotional scale lately. You know you've nearly hit bottom when you're sitting there at 2 am, with a razor blade in you hand, thinking "it WOULD mean I don't have to worry about this shit any more." Yeah, I know, don't tell me not to kill myself, I'm not going to. But I HAVE thought about it in recent weeks. And it's not a fun thing. If this goes right, it has the chance to go VERY right. But if it goes wrong, I'll be devastated. My self esteem will drop to nothing, I'll become unbearable to be around. Which will only make me even more depressed.

So, should I go for it? I need some sort of feedback, or something.

So...

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Sorta. Mostly cubing stuff. And not so much "a lot" of things as...like...3. Anyway, the point is, it's not helping. Anyone who knows me would think I'm happier. I'm not. Distractions make it easier to pretend, but it doesn't change the fact that every night I cry myself to sleep. It doesn't change the fact that inside the pain is still there. It doesn't change the feeling I get because nobody has ever felt about me the way I've felt about a few people in my life. I don't think I'll ever be anything but a good friend. It's not an encouraging thought.

xkcd

Today my beef is with Randall Munroe, author of xkcd. I know he loves his girlfriend and all, but that doesn't mean that he needs to make EVERY COMIC about love. I used to enjoy reading xkcd, but not any more. I swear, he must just insert romantic references into everything he makes just to piss off us lonely people. Like this, which is actually from his blog:

He's talking about the strength of his new electric skateboard. It's almost as strong as a horse, apparently. So he makes a diagram of a man having a tug of war with a small horse. See how quickly it goes wrong?


Add that on to the fact that I saw an old friend today and he asked me how my GIRLFRIEND and I were doing. My answer was "not. Since exactly one year ago today."

Shit. Exactly one year ago today. ;____;

Music...

Music seems to all be written to spite me. Why is it that 99% of the songs they play where I work are about love? Oh. Because it's not just where I work. 99% of songs are about love.

You'd think that for a metalhead like me it wouldn't be as much of a problem. But it is. I would post a few random songs from my playlist and compare ratios, etc, but I just realized that all my music is gone. Shit. Well, suffice to say, it's the majority of the music I used to have. And it normally doesn't bother me, but these days, it's hitting me like a rock.

I wish I didn't love music so much. Or maybe I just wish I wasn't so lonely.

Hmm

I think I want to start writing blogs. I need to get some of this shit out of my system. I'm tired of telling a bunch of people who really don't want to hear it, I'm sure. Anyway, this is mostly going to be some emo ranting when I'm feeling down, but it needs to be done. If you read it, comment, or something. Let me know. That way I won't feel so unloved.